The Haj, where Muslim men beat themselves with chains as they walk around the pillar that Mohammed ascended to heaven from, was last month. I don't beat myself over our relationship often but I cite the lessons learned.
In retrospect, I view our relationship as typical of my experience: I couldn't make up my mind as to whether I wanted it or not and I often tuned-out (should I stay or should I go) rather than doing anything about it.
I wrote in one of my journals about something you said when I moved to Chestnut. I remember it vividly not only because I knew what you said was true, and how you said it, but the overwhelming sense of not knowing how to handle it. You were standing in the living room, yelling at me, crying at me, "Why can't you love me when all I give you is love? Why do you treat me so mean?!"
At the time, I didn't think much of it. But over the past few years, as I repeated the same mistakes with relationships, I remembered you standing there and hearing your haunting words. I can't go back and change the past but I've learned, not just from you, that Love is precious and should never be turned away.
As far as being a "fairie princess," I believe you are. I see you in your Van Gogh hat; telling me you were just a "stupid-girl;" eating brie with me by the river. I think of you fondly, regardless of how it ended...
I hope you are happy and I believe you are.
Take care,
The Evil Dark Prince
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