I just left a bag of stuff on your car. Rocco
Response Option #1
Hi Rocco –
Thanks for bringing my stuff by. I'm glad you got your
things, too. I hope you are doing well.
I'm not
going to pretend to know what you're going through or where you're head and
heart have been for the last few months. I can only know how I feel and my
response to our interactions. I have tried to be honest and understanding
throughout our relationship and continue to try each step of the way. I am
sorry if I have not honored your feelings or wishes in the way that you would
prefer.
I had been
really afraid of what another break-up with you would look like and
was sincerely hoping that it would not carry the anger and animosity that was
the tone of the last go round. Unfortunately, it seems we have come to the
exact impasse we reached before. It feels to me that you are going out of your
way to hurt me as much as possible during this already
painful process. I don't know why you feel like you need to do that and I
really wish you wouldn't. Obviously, I did not want to break up and I
still felt a great deal of love and caring towards you up until the end. I felt
blindsided and abandoned by you in the final few weeks. However, I
have come to realize that breaking up was the right thing for both of us
and I am under no illusions that we could have continued
interactions or communications as they were.
I don't know
if you've read the last or last several blog posts, if they made you mad,
or hurt you in some way. If so, I'm sorry. The way I feel is not black and
white and I am still processing what happened. I think I'm entitled to that. My
feelings for you have spanned "love of my life," to
"despising" you. It's the worst to be out and out rejected by someone
and you rejecting me was particularly hard since I respect you and your
opinion so much. It was especially hurtful because I felt you
didn't honor the time we had together and didn't seem sorry at all that it was
over. That felt like a betrayal. It would have been nice to hear that you
that you were sad, too. That you cared, even just a little. You never
apologized for anything except the Facebook posts. I don't believe it is
unreasonable for me to be torn, sad and questioning.
The last
conversation we had, on Valentine's Day, you told me that you were feeling
trapped. I had finally come to the realization the night before that we
actually were breaking up and not just "taking a break." I think I
was right to be confused; you still signed a couple of emails with XO
and were calling me Babes on Tuesday. I had suspected that you felt
like Valentine's and my birthday were going to require too much effort and that
you didn't want to put the effort in. I should have given you more space, and I
felt sorry that you were feeling trapped. I resolved to give you what you
wanted and move on since it was finally clear that it was over. I also
knew that I would have to get on the path to healing immediately and
the only way I know how to cope with the pain was to delete you from
my life as much as possible. I didn't want to see how much fun you're having via Facebook, didn't want to keep updated with who you are seeing and
dating, and unfortunately, if I remain "friends" with you I
would be tempted to stay involved and wonder about you on a daily basis. It is
impossible for me to move on and still go to places that were special
for us, or even drink beers that we shared and I certainly don't want to get a
phone call from you out of the blue or a trivial text like: “what is that game
you like to play at parties?” It’s too jarring.
I hope at some point you can back down and remember our
time together with some fondness. Despite the pain, you're still one of my
favorites and I want for you, all the best.
Sincerely, Joce
Sincerely, Joce
Response Option #2
Fuck you, you stupid, fat, weak-chinned motherfucker. You
think I didn’t see you peacock out of your black Porsche, your sunglasses
reflecting your smugness, you self-important, self-absorbed DICK, to discard my belongings a full THREE
WEEKS after I requested them?! Now that there are no further ties, I hope I
never, ever see you again. It would be great if you could move far away or
really, just die. Thanks! P.S. your eyes are too close together and Tana was
right, you are BOOORRRRIINNG. Beyond.
Response Option #3
Hey Rocco,
Thank you
for returning my things. I guess by this point you’ve probably realized that I
blocked you from calling or contacting me. I gave a tremendous amount of
emotional energy to our relationship and interactions for over a year. I gave it
everything I had. That was more than enough.
Unfortunately,
no matter how many times I expressed to you that I don’t consider you a friend
and that I do not want to maintain any contact with you, you kept pestering me.
I did not appreciate the lackluster “Happy Birthday.” text. Nor the call after
my party in which you told me, in your best impression of a robot, “it’ll get
better.” No shit, Sherlock. I’ve moved on and I don’t need your fake sympathy
and artificial support holding me back. I think your idea of “checking in” is in reality
your attempt to emotionally torture me just at the point when I might be
feeling less tortured.
I have made
a lot of personal progress in the last 2 months - I've lost 15 lbs., have set
some goals with the help of my counselor, and feel healthier and happier than I
have in years. I thought my misery was in spite of our relationship. Turns out,
my overwhelming negativity and sadness was in large part because of our
relationship. To maintain my progress, I am focused on surrounding myself with
people who are enthusiastic and motivated and positive in their own lives,
those people that support and encourage me on my path and that share my values.
I’m sorry if
I went off script. I’m sure you thought I was going to pine for you forever and
accept limitless amounts of cowardly bullshit. Surprise! Nope.
Absolutely, Joce
Response Option #4
Dear Rocco,
Thank you for returning my things. To be honest, seeing
you pull up, blue skies, lilac blossoms reflected in your sunglasses, my heart
leapt. For the slightest moment I expected you to pick me up, to grab me in a
bear hug, to plant a big kiss on my lips. Everything rewound to last year, when
something really exciting happened to me. I met you. I spent a beautiful spring
with a guy that I found smart and funny and interesting...there couldn't have
been a rarer occurrence with a rarer beast. I believe the love we shared was very genuine and powerful and instant. It was transformational.
I am hoping to appeal to your humanity and I am asking that you please don't ignore me. We've talked many times about how tough we both are on the outside, but inside we're just balls of mush. I know I really hurt you with some terrible, unkind things I said and did and you are feeling really tough against me. I know my apologies can't make up for those actions and that you feel like you need to defend yourself against me. I know you understand that my mush is feeling pretty battered, too. The sting of the scorpion is deadly!
I am trying to get myself in a better frame of mind and have focused on personal improvement and goal setting. I'm losing weight, not working as much, actually sleeping through the night. But, at least 23 hrs. out of 24 I am feeling AWFUL about the state of us. I've had break-ups before and could care less if I never see the person again. Mostly I want them to fall off the face of the earth. But, that is the opposite of how I feel about you.It’s been two months and not a moment goes by that you
aren’t still in my thoughts. I can’t shake the thought of you, the memory of
you, the smell and feel of you. I long for you. I miss you. I know this spring
is different, to be modern in explication, it’s complicated, and I don't want
to beat a dead horse. But, the truth is, you're still one of my favorite
people, I still love you dearly, and I still pray for a happy ending. With you.
XOXO, Joce
Actual Response #1
(shot of whiskey) Thank you.
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