Babes in Arms (Rocco)

5 am. First thought.  He doesn’t love you anymore. You were up late. You drank too much. You didn’t have any food. You threw up. Three times. Was it the wine? Or the sadness? He doesn’t love you anymore. Valentine’s Day.  The worst. Because, he doesn’t love you anymore. You get ready for work. Hung over. Your heart is dull. Your head is dull. You make oatmeal and choke down two bites. Throw the rest away. You try coffee. Same thing. He doesn’t love you anymore. A whole year and then, just like that, he doesn’t love you anymore. You go to work. Why is everybody so cheerful? It’s Friday. It’s Valentine’s Day. And they don’t know, he doesn’t love you anymore. You can’t bear to say anything.  It makes you so embarrassed. You’re a failure. Epic failure. The biggest loser. The weakest link. You leave your phone at home. So you can’t obsessively check and see he’s not calling. He’s not calling. He doesn’t love you anymore.

But you still love him. Is that the worst part? You try to stay calm. To say nothing. They ask, “What are your plans for tonight?” No plans. No plans. Everything is okay, you pretend. But, it’s not. Nothing is okay. He doesn’t love you anymore.

Noon. No breakfast and now, no lunch. The thought of it makes you gag. I hate you! Fuck you. Fuck off. You are an asshole for not loving me anymore. I still love you, even though you are overweight and your breath stinks like stale chewing tobacco, and you’re awkward in social situations, and you’re in a dead-end job that you complain about all the time. 

But, you still love him! His heart, his mind, his face, his hands, his voice. He doesn’t care. He “detaches easily.” He doesn’t love YOU anymore. You’re Mom asks you if you’re feeling okay. “Are you sick?” Worse than sick. Heart sick. Heart broke. You don’t want to tell her but you do. “He doesn’t love me anymore.”  Band-Aid. Rip it off. “That’s news.” Please don’t make it news. There is nothing to say. You don’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t love you anymore. You wonder when it happened. And how? Was it quick? Or gradual? Was it New Year’s? Or Superbowl Sunday? Tuesday? Did he love you yesterday? Or did he stop loving you in January? You look the same. You feel the same. What changed? Everything changed. 

But, none of that matters. Not the when, or the why, or the how. There is only one relevant bit. He doesn’t love you anymore.

You get home from work. There’s a text: “How are you feeling? Do you have a minute to chat?” Subtext: “I don’t love you anymore.” He’s trying to be casual with the devastation. Kill you quickly, shoot you right between your big stupid cow eyes. It doesn’t work. It’s going to be a slow painful death.

How are you feeling? You feel like garbage. You feel like it’s the end of the world. You feel mad and sad and afraid. You feel resentful and confused and alone. And tired. Exhausted. You know what he’s going to say. And you can’t bear to hear him say it. You don’t need him to say it. He’ll say: Don’t call me. Don’t email me. Don’t text me. I don’t love you anymore. “Do you have a minute to chat?” You don’t have a minute. You have a lifetime. There is nothing more to say.

Valentine’s Day. Facebook is a minefield. Colleen got married! Jessa got engaged. Everybody got loved. He doesn’t love you anymore. You “change your status.” Do it before he can so you’re stabbing your own heart, instead of giving him another go. Another dart to throw. So fucking stupid. Why did you ever let him convince you to proclaim “in a relationship with Rocco?” You never trusted him. You knew eventually it would explode in a train-wreck-shit-show-tornado, and yet, you hoped. Naively. Hoped he would love you forever. Or another year. Tomorrow. 

You take down the pictures. You throw away the Valentine’s card, the cookies you made him. You skip dinner. Hide things that remind you of him. Chuck out his toothbrush. His antacid medication in a little tin in your purse. You delete his phone number from your “favorites.” Gawd, now you get to spend the next two months (three?) explaining that you’re no longer together! The worst. Friends, family, acquaintances, co-workers, they all get the same spiel: He doesn’t love you anymore.

He doesn’t fucking love you anymore!!!

But you still love him. Stupid, stupid him.

It’ll pass. Please. The sooner the better.