The Joce Compatibility in Dating Quiz (Version 1)

Start with 100 points. Subtract 1 point for each of the following statements you believe accurately describes you.

1. I am an only child or I only have brothers
2. I live with roommates or my parents
3. I am 10 years older or 10 years younger than Joce (Joce is 35)
4. I have kids
5. I am not employed or I only work part time
6. I have been convicted of a crime or I should have been convicted of a crime but somehow I didn’t get caught or I got off
7. I would consider myself “over-educated and under-employed”
8. I am in debt up to my eyeballs (for reasons other than medical or law school)
9. I have been called “cheap” by a former girlfriend, I prefer to go “dutch,” I live paycheck to paycheck and/or I do not have a savings account
10. I pawn goods for cash
11. College wasn’t for me or college was the best thing that ever happened to me
12. I was in a fraternity in college
13. I eat fast food/pizza at least once a week
14. I am a vegetarian or vegan
15. I don’t drink alcoholic beverages and/or caffeinated beverages
16. I drink to get drunk on a frequent basis
17. I drink my coffee with a lot of cream and sugar or I prefer tea over coffee
18. I have an allergy to nuts, wheat, or milk
19. I would consider myself a “picky eater”
20. I prefer chain restaurants to local places
21. Currently, the only items in my fridge are beer and/or condiments
22. I chew gum
23. I drink more than one soda pop a day, and/or I regularly drink Monster, Red Bull or the equivalent
24. I am a smoker
25. I consider myself a casual or recreational drug user
26. I have been through a 12-step program
27. I need “meds” to get through the day or I probably should take “meds” to get through the day
28. I suffer from PTSD, panic attacks and/or night terrors
29. I have been diagnosed or currently have a sexually transmitted disease
30. I sleepwalk
31. I was raised or am currently a practicing Catholic, Southern Baptist, Scientologist, Wiccan, Nazarene or Mormon or a religion that participates in speaking in tongues or snake handling
32. I am from the northeastern part of the United States, Florida or Nebraska
33. I am a Sagittarius, Scorpio or Capricorn
34. I have taken a picture of myself in the bathroom mirror with my shirt off with my phone
35. I have videotaped myself having sex, I have posted an ad in Craigslists Casual Encounters, I have participated in a threesome or I have paid for sex
36. I refer to myself an existentialist
37. I own a gun (for something other than military service or my job as a police officer)
38. I have never left my home state and/or hometown
39. I do not have a best friend and/or nobody considers me their best friend
40. I currently have a girlfriend, wife and/or am gay
41. I am divorced
42. I have never been in a relationship that lasted longer than 6 months
43. I have cheated on a former girlfriend
44. I have never been in love
45. I hate my mother and/or my mother hates me
46. I refuse to dance even when I’ve had a couple of drinks and I’m at my best friend’s wedding
47. I think women should open their own doors
48. I own a giant television
49. I have an “entertainment center” and/or I collect DVD’s
50. I own a light-up beer sign and/or “kegerator”
51. I collect empty beer, liquor or wine bottles and display them on my windowsill/headboard/fireplace mantle
52. I do not own a couch, my couch is 20 plus years old, and/or I have a couch on my front porch
53. I sleep on a mattress on the floor, a couch, a blow-up mattress, and/or a futon
54. I don’t remember the last time I changed the sheets on my bed
55. The last time I read a book it was required reading
56. My preferred reading materials include “Maxim,” “Men’s Health,” graphic novels, tabloids, and/or USA Today
57. I have a subscription to a porn magazine
58. I do not know what NPR, NASA, and/or PMS stands for
59. I am under 5’8”
60. I don’t wear deodorant and/or I wear cologne
61. I do not take a shower or bathe every day
62. I never or rarely floss
63. I own sweatpants and will wear them in public (other than the gym)
64. I wear baseball/trucker caps regularly (even if I’m not playing baseball or truckin’), and/or when I wear a baseball/trucker cap, I turn it to the side
65. I wear flip-flops more frequently than any other footwear
66. I wear “tighty whities,” or “novelty” or “holiday” boxers/socks/ties
67. I am going bald and growing my hair out at the same time, my hair is long enough to pull back in a pony tail and/or I highlight or dye my hair
68. I have a full beard, mustache, "soul patch" and/or muttonchops
69. I have a tattoo of a Looney Tune, Disney character, comic book character, woman’s name (other than my mother), barbed wire around my bicep, rosary around my neck, and/or a face tattoo
70. “Bro,” “Bra,” “it’s all good,” “no worries” and/or “and whatnot,” is something I say frequently
71. I consider myself a “regular guy,” or an “average joe”
72. I use the terms “lol” and “lmao” on a regular basis
73. I refer to women as “females”
74. I have used the phrase “I carry my God in my pocket”
75. I have used the phrase “artsy fartsy”
76. I never exercise, I go to the gym every day and/or I am a former world champion power lifter
77. I run marathons and/or am in training for an extreme sport competition
78. I play in a band and/or I play Rock Band
79. My hobbies include dirt biking, 4-wheeling, and/or snowmobiling
80. My favorite game is Risk, D&D, or Magic, The Gathering
81. I have an obsession with Star Wars, Star Trek, comic books, comic book characters, Lord of the Rings, Twilight and/or anything to do with vampires or zombies
82. I have an obsession with football, NASCAR, and/or ultimate Frisbee
83. I LARP and/or I participate in historical reenactments
84. I have participated in a farting and/or belching contest when I was over the age of 18
85. I participate in recreational tanning
86. I regularly play the lottery
87. I enjoy singing karaoke
88. I like Jimmy Buffett
89. I would consider myself “the life of the party,” or a “party pooper”
90. I have over 300 friends on Facebook
91. I tweet
92. I prefer texting to calling
93. I do not own a car
94. I drive a Hummer, Aztec, Brat, Baja, minivan, conversion van, PT Cruiser, Taurus, new(ish) Mustang, or school bus
95. I “lowered” my car or drive a “monster” truck
96. My car has “rims,” “curb feelers,” a chain link or miniature steering wheel, a “No Fear” sticker, a Calvin peeing on or kneeling before a cross sticker, and/or my last name in gothic text on the rear window
97. I never wash my car or I wash my car weekly
98. I consider myself a “cat person”
99. I own a snake, lizard, rat or ferret
100. I love my chow, pit bull, Chihuahua, cocker spaniel, pug, beagle, Jack Russell terrier, Doberman pinscher, miniature pinscher, wolf mix, or Rottweiler

Scoring

96-100

Clearly you are a big liar…or my knight in shining armor. Call me immediately for a date! Or to propose! I’ll be happy to give you the best (or next) 4 years of my life.

71-95

Three scenarios are possible: we will go out on 1-2 dates and you will fall in love with me and I will find you wretched OR we will go out on 1-2 dates and I will fall in love with you and you will find me tedious OR we will go out on 1-2 dates and decide we’re better off as friends. Things will be awkward for awhile but we’ll appreciate each other in the end. This is the most likely scenario.

51-70

The best opportunity for a “bad date.” We have just enough in common, or you’re hot enough that I’ll agree to go out with you. I will probably even be hopeful about it. Give him a chance! Maybe he’ll surprise you?! It will be painful and embarrassing and a huge waste of precious time. Of course, it will be fun to tell my friends about later. Sayonara suckah.

31-50

It could never and will never work. Of course, that doesn’t mean I won’t go out with you. I’ll give it the old college try and will hate every second of the “experience.” I will vow never to see/call/talk to you again and I will resent you and look forward to mocking you at my earliest convenience. Or, we will move in together.

0-30

Move along. You should be ashamed of yourself. I’m ashamed of you. Your mom is, too.