The Fox in the Cemetery 1 (Kipling)

Hi,

 

Apologies for the delay, I've been under the weather--a cold or flu or something like that--and have been in bed all day. Now I'm finally in the coffee shop, my head is clouded over, but anyway...

 

I know you tried so very hard. You're a very giving person. And I'm not, though I do try. My behavior is not reflection upon you as a person. I go through periods of doubt, of some type of depression, though I'm relentlessly cheerful on the outside. I really struggle with knowing anything about myself or what I want in and out of life.

 

The other night, on the way back, you were talking quite aggressively (not that I blame you) and it just felt like I was cornered in a way. Maybe this makes sense or not, I don't know.

 

I miss you, of course, but I don't know if that's enough. I feel like I cause you enough anguish already. 

 

K

Those Were Different Days (Joce)

We're sitting around the table, everybody on their second or third margarita, worn out from a long hot day, but the mood is light and easy. Somebody asks Brandon about his sister, she's had a lot of trouble with men in her life, good juicy gossip: Her live-in boyfriend got somebody else pregnant and left her, then the next guy she dated was dealing heroin. Heroin! And went to jail. "She's just one of those girls," says Brandon, "that if you tell her she's pretty, tell her that you love her, that's all it takes. She holds on and won't let go." Everybody laughs. We all know girls like that. So insecure, so desperate for the approval of a man, oblivious or forgiving of the red flags. We pity them.

I laugh, too. I laugh at Brandon's sister and those poor, pathetic girls starved for the affection and validation of a worthless, piece of shit guy. I laugh but I don't say anything. Because, in my heart I know that I, too, am that girl. I order another margarita.

I made the error of writing about love in May as if I knew something, anything about it. As if being love thirsty for all these years and years has given me insight into what love is. As if keeping a blog about relationships and dating and feelings qualifies me as a love expert. What a fool!  Enter swift karmic retribution -- I got tangled in a couple of flash-in-the-pan relationships where the word love was bandied about, one was just a lie, a messy, twisted love lie, and the other was unwanted and non-reciprocal love. I realized I know nothing about love. Not one little thing.

I used to think, up until about a week ago, that my big relationship character flaw was having too much empathy for others. Did he have a bad childhood? Was he unloved by his mother? Was his heart broken in 15 different places by 15 different women? Is he naturally timid? Or mean? Or manipulative? I understand. No problem. I can help him overcome. I can heal his wounds no matter how deep or wide. My comforting and kindness and nurturing will make him whole again. He will change. He will love me, too, eventually, finally, and we will live happily ever after.

Wrong.

The Rock in Your Shoe (Anders)

J I'm sorry, I can't be who you want or need me to be. I appreciate that you love me, but for your sake and mine, don't. I treasure your friendship, and my friendship is all I can give in return right now.

 

A I don't want anything but your respect, I didn't even want to tell you about my feelings, not like I had to say anything, I  tried to hide them from you so that you didn't get embarrassed by me, I don't want you to be anything other than the perfectly imperfect person that you are, now...I can't take those feelings back exactly that I've shared them, so I've ruined a great friendship, and this makes me cry, but...At least I can feel, for me, it's a step and I'm happy to know I still can feel that way about people, thought that had gone out of me. You jumped too far, in thinking I asked anything of you, I'm sorry you did. Ultimately, I remember all the conversations about us having no future together, I respect that, it's OK, I kinda messed up falling for you, knowing I probably shouldn't, can't and wouldn't take it all back, you are pretty amazing in so many ways. Sorry for ruining our friendship, truly my fault.

 

All of that is sincere as I can possibly be, please don't think I'm being patronizing or anything, I'm being honest, ultimately honest, to my detriment. Take care, Pidge.

 

J You didn't ruin a friendship. Just give me some time. I didn't mean to lead you on, and I'm sorry that I did. We could never work, and not because I don't respect you or that you're not good enough, but the opposite. You've got on rose-colored glasses with me, and I can't live up to it. Be safe, be happy, I care about you immensely. 

 

A I know you're a mess, always have been, everyone is, I can't fix it either, I wouldn't want to, I just enjoy the show, but...all the logistics aside, it was never about it working out, it was about what could be shared, either way, I respect you, I need some space and such now to rewind some stuff.

 

Catch ya on the flip side.