The Big Book of Bad Dates

If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with...

2012-02-14T11:46:00.000-07:00

The Best Man, Part IV (Murat)

2012-02-06T09:18:00.001-07:00

From Joce’s Moleskine journal, age 27 November, 2004Murat, the bio-energy healer came to the house this afternoon. He is a very slight Turkish man and he has energy from God in his hands. He diagnosed all my problems: he said I have allergies (to bright light, pollen, smog, smoke and heat), chronic bronchitis or fluid often in my lungs, I have a genetically weak nervous system that is extremely

Valentimes (You)

2012-01-31T19:35:00.000-07:00

Each year I produce custom, interactive Valentines. If you would like one (and you want your 2012 love wish to come true), send your mailing address to bigbookofbaddates@gmail.com. I will do my best with international requests. Luv you, Joce

The 100th “Episode," Part I (Joce)

2012-01-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

Todays episode would be the one in which a guy who I gave my phone number to, after a flirty conversation in a coffee shop, calls me in the morning while I'm still lying in bed. We have a friendly chat for about 10 minutes and I get my hopes up that he might actually ask me out for the evening, being Saturday and all. And then I get a funny vibe. He seems to be steering the

Dream date (Louie)

2011-09-04T14:27:00.000-06:00

Here's something I betcha didn't know about me: I'm a big comedy nerd. Stand-up specials, podcasts, comedy tours. And my all time favorite of all time is Louie CK. Someday, he and I might get married. In the meantime, I'll just watch his brilliant show on FX. He is the voice of a generation. Not my generation, but a generation somewhere, somehow. Watch the episode "Pamela" before it disappears.

Peace in your heart (Malik)

2011-08-23T11:27:00.000-06:00

"You think what I've told you is an anecdote. But really it isn't. It's my whole life. It's the only story I have." Charles Baxter There are two sides to every relationship and two sides to every story about that relationship. This is my story; it is only one side, my side. It is presumptuous to think we can understand, even if we do have both sides of the story, what goes on between two people

The Love that Was (Malik)

2011-08-23T10:00:00.000-06:00

The Haj, where Muslim men beat themselves with chains as they walk around the pillar that Mohammed ascended to heaven from, was last month. I don't beat myself over our relationship often but I cite the lessons learned.In retrospect, I view our relationship as typical of my experience: I couldn't make up my mind as to whether I wanted it or not and I often tuned-out (should I stay or should I go)

Also, slipping and falling (Kaleb)

2011-08-17T09:35:00.002-06:00

J Are you working or do you just text people all day?K Working ;)…lolK Let me know if you need a pic of me in just shorts ;) …I have nothing to be embarrassed about ;)…lolK Although I am very white…lolJ Yes, judging by the number of pictures of yourself that you’ve texted me, you seem to have no end of confidence in your appearance! I don’t need more pictures. I’m more interested in personality.K

Losing the Marathon, or Cry Me a River, Justin Timberlake (Bryant, Daniel, Shaw, Donny, Phil, and Pierre)

2011-08-08T12:35:00.000-06:00

“Hi, Joce, It was great to have a drink with you Thursday night. You are an attractive and funny woman but I'm not sure we are right for each other right now. I hope you're well.” Bryant “Joce, don't worry. I kind of thought this might be happening. Things seemed tense in your life and we seemed to be kind of cooling off a little bit. I figured it'd either work out or

Father Knows Best (Joce)

2011-06-19T14:12:00.003-06:00

It’s Father’s Day. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that it’s because of my Dad this blog exists, because of him, my expectations of men are sky high, and, because of him, my dreams of the future are so wildly unrealistic. Predictably, my relationships with other men have been predetermined, filtered through, by my relationship with my father. Call it whatever syndrome or complex you like, but

Join my network on LinkedIn (Malik)

2011-06-14T10:25:00.002-06:00

LinkedInMalik has indicated you are a Friend. Send me your phone number...if you dare. - Malik If I dare, or if I care? -Joce Don't be so harsh. -Malik I'm not being harsh. We are not friends. We "dated" for less than a year, when I was 17, and you were 30 and that was SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO. It was a really, really dysfunctional and destructive relationship and it doesn't inspire a single

Popularity Contest (Joce)

2011-06-07T08:41:00.000-06:00

Finally on Facebook, please "like" me! XO

Update (Nancy James)

2011-05-31T20:43:00.000-06:00

Today I saw Nancy James in the grocery. She was talking with a little boy, a little boy with white blue eyes and pale hair, her son. Underneath her black, asymmetrical coat, her belly was big and round and on her finger, a wedding ring. She was smiling.

Quick Question (Charlie)

2011-05-30T14:49:00.001-06:00

Hello late night Charlie,I enjoyed meeting you, too and I'm certainly not opposed to going out again. Are you ever available before 10 p.m.? I kind of keep the opposite hours, up early, in bed by 11. My brain tends to be more agile in the daytime or early evening... Also, quick question...are you married? I did a google search to find your business website and there were a couple of articles

Not buying what you're selling (Ken)

2011-05-30T09:52:00.002-06:00

I am human, as are you. I know that you were/are deeply hurt, and I am sorry for doing that to you. If I could do it all over again, I wouldn't, but the past can't be undone. But I am sorry, I really mean it. Coming via an email, it probably doesn't seem like much, but I don't wish anything bad for you, only the best. I think you'll move on and heal just fine. I'm not the only relationship

Wuv letter (Joce)

2011-05-21T21:20:00.000-06:00

Two wonderful sounds A letter, when said Like no other Is the double of another, W. Here am I, sans this letter, And all that it entails Wishes, wisdom, wanderlust. Wondering if I can’t have W Can I at least have U?

Chicken (Kevin)

2011-05-13T17:11:00.000-06:00

"I like a lot of foods but my favorite is almost anything with chicken in it."

Internet speaks the truth (Joce)

2011-05-13T14:27:00.000-06:00

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=joce

Fire Snakes (Kurt)

2011-05-10T18:20:00.001-06:00

Kurt Hey Joce, so I meant 2 ask you earlier, what’s ur bday? Joce March 2 what’s yours?Kurt Let’s see…nice u r an 8 of spades. Means u r a strong person. Have a book 2 show you :) mine is 11-7, I’m the King of Clubs ;)Kurt Oh and we’re both fire snakes which is just coolJoce You’re a Scorpio, Scorpio’s are mean, are you mean?Kurt Yes, but I make up for it afterKurt You should come over and hang

Two Date Minimum (Joce)

2011-05-09T11:15:00.000-06:00

I learned two things in 6th grade science: 1) the scientific method and 2) how to light spectacular tabletop fires with alcohol burners. In this blog post probably only one of these is relevant: a) the scientific method. Now I’m sure Mr. Bratton would disagree (and most actual or even peripheral scientists, also, probably some other people who just like science but aren’t

Better than Baggage (Joce)

2011-04-16T09:27:00.002-06:00

Let’s be honest. There was no way I was going to get to 34, with this relationship track record, and not have a bit of baggage. After the last debacle (see Ken/Kyle) I realized, “oh, great, on top of it all, now I’m going to have serious trust issues.” Every guy forward, I will be thinking: “is he cheating on me? Is he lying? Is his ‘I love you’ sincere? Does he have my best interest in mind? Is

The View from the Aquarium (Joce)

2011-04-10T11:07:00.003-06:00

My parents met when they were in the 5th grade. We have a newspaper clipping from that year that shows them, two desks apart in a classroom, clad in plaid shirts, diligently working on their schoolwork. They dated all through high school, attended the same college and got married the summer after they graduated. Four kids, many homes and cars and businesses later, forty some years later, in fact

Keep Me Posted (Joce)

2011-04-05T07:44:00.000-06:00

Dear Clinton, I got your note and I thank you for the kind words, however, I fear that this relationship cannot continue on any level at this point. It is becoming unhealthy and very uncomfortable for the both of us. I am afraid and sad for you, but I fear that my sanity will be undone due to circumstances that I must control. Please understand the turmoil it is costing me to do this, hopefully,

Fighting the Good Fight (Joce)

2011-04-03T21:56:00.000-06:00

Nearly two years ago I started The Big Book of Bad Dates as an experiment. I needed an outlet to vent my exasperation, frustration, mortification, of being a single woman in her thirties "playing the field" (read: pickle ball court). As I had hoped, the blog has proven itself to be inexpensive therapy; a place where I could dump my feelings, my concerns, my forked tongue

Serriously (Clinton)

2011-04-03T10:01:00.000-06:00

There have been allot of things swiriling in a confusing funnel in my mind for a long time now. Today, I was finaly able to focus and sort most of my thoughts out. Finaly I have some real advice for both of us. Through some slow unrecognizable events, we have let life leave us completely out of our minds. We have been taking life in general to serriously. Being to serrious, and trying to

The Burried Past (Clinton)

2011-04-01T21:55:00.001-06:00

Dearest Joce, Over the span of a few days I have slipped into a state of emotional limbo. So many things have been said and done that were horribly destructive to each of us. I have somehow, in my selfishness and greed overlooked your needs, and likewise you have failed to encompase mine. Some how, withstanding all our Pillar of love has supported us through some of the worst of times. I find

The Single Most Precious Gift (Avery)

2011-03-31T08:57:00.001-06:00

Dear Joce, Well, I suppose you’re wondering why I am writing you…Let me start off with a few explanations; it has taken me a long time to come to terms with what happened between you and I, I was always very bitter about our attitudes and the actions that I had taken. Only now have I been able to clearly and critically reflect on these events which seem like a distant memory. I realize the pain

We'll Always Never Have Paris (Malik)

2011-03-29T19:00:00.003-06:00

Hi Malik, Where are you now? You must, at least, send postcards from wherever you go. I have a collection. But please don’t send me anything that I will get arrested for (drugs, severed limbs, etc.) I’m really not in the mood. You must be terribly lonely there in the nether regions, to be thinking of me. Have you been back to Paris yet? I remember how you took that girl, the one before me. You

Bad Dates, A Beginning (Joce)

2011-03-28T21:43:00.000-06:00

From Joce’s Ramona Quimby “Fill in the Blank Diary”, 4th Grade I have brown colored hairAnd green colored eyesI am 4 feet and 4 inches tall FEBRUARYThe nicest person in my class is JoeyI like him/her because He loves me were going outGlue or tape the best valentine that you received here, or draw a picture of it!Dear Joce,I love you would you go out

Part 6, The End: Finker, Sailor, Soldier, Spy (Ken, Sargeant "First Class")

2011-03-26T11:28:00.003-06:00

“How the hell did I get away with it? I was a cheater and a liar, and it takes one to know one. That’s why he never suspected me. Because he’s not a cheater and a liar. He never thought in that way.” From “A Brutally Candid History of Breaking Up” by Adam Sternbergh, New York Times, March 11, 2011 Ken and I had been dating exactly a year. I knew that I was in love with him and cared deeply about

Part 5: Finker, Sailor, Soldier, Spy (Ken, Sargeant "First Class")

2011-03-25T22:14:00.001-06:00

Part 4: Finker, Sailor, Soldier, Spy (Ken, Sargeant "First Class")

2011-03-25T10:09:00.003-06:00

MOLLYMarch 2008 - We met and started dating. The first year was pretty amazing. (He sent me notes and messages telling me how much he loved me and surprised me with little gifts/flowers/trips. We spent a lot of time with my extended family and with his family and friends. I was busy a good part of the time because my grandmothers were dying and passed away during the year, but he was really,

Part 3: Finker, Sailor, Soldier, Spy (Ken, Sargeant "First Class")

2011-03-23T12:23:00.010-06:00

NOVEMBER 15, 2010 Joce, Your message was quite a shock to me, but I appreciate the info. Although we did break up last fall, Ken and I have continued to see each other since then. I have been out to visit him at least 5 times in the past year, most recently this month. He has never mentioned you, and I was decidedly unaware that he had been seeing anyone else - at all - since he and I met in

Part 2: Finker, Sailor, Soldier, Spy (Ken, Sargeant "First Class")

2011-03-22T21:52:00.004-06:00

OCTOBER 16, 20094:09 PM Kenneth: Hey, Beautiful, pay attention to me!!! 16 minutes 4:25 PM Kenneth: hello? 6 minutes 4:31 PM me: sorry, had to make a cupcake run4:32 PM heading home now...4:35 PM Kenneth: enjoy your cupcake, Cupcake. me: I already ate it. And now I feel sick. Kenneth: Awww...need me to rub your tummy? me: yes please4:36 PM Kenneth: okay....if I rub my tummy, maybe you can

Part 1: Finker, Sailor, Soldier, Spy (Ken, Sargeant "First Class")

2011-03-22T20:34:00.001-06:00

When I was in high school, my parents made the acquaintance of a young couple. The husband ran a small business and since my Dad had been in business for himself for years, the man confided in him and occasionally asked advice of him. One day my Dad came home and told us that he had some sad news: the man had told him that his wife had cancer and that they had no insurance, they had also

Finker, Sailor, Soldier, Spy (Ken, Sargeant "First Class")

2011-03-17T13:00:00.001-06:00

Coming soon! A real life story of the ultimate betrayal: how one innocent woman (Joce) was scammed by her very own "American hero." Shocking truths revealed including his double life, how he used his army duties to cover for secret rendezvous with his ex, insurance fraud, guns, prescription drugs, theft and emotional manipulation. A tale full of obsession, violence and power trips, juicy enough

101 reasons why Joce is awesome (Joce)

2010-10-25T20:55:00.002-06:00

When my mom was growing up she wanted to be an oceanographer. Rather than encourage her in her educational pursuits, the adults around her made her believe that women could only be two things: nurses or teachers. So, when she went to college, she studied to be a teacher. To this day she regrets that she didn’t have the nerve to stand up to those around her and really go for what she wanted. When

An elephant never forgets (Ken)

2010-10-25T10:38:00.001-06:00

Things to remember when you get sad about the breakups (1994-2010)

2010-10-22T22:15:00.001-06:00

He never introduced you to his family or friends. His job/family/friends/religion/love of country always came before you.He talked about and planned for his future, but never for your future together.He wasn’t interested in your work, your hobbies or your family.He talked shit about your friends/family/dog. He never once told you he loved you first. Only as a response to when you said it. He

The Lurcher (Tim)

2010-10-17T20:13:00.003-06:00

You meet at a mutual friends Halloween party. You’re dressed as a Red Cross nurse from the 40’s and he’s a retro-cowboy in an orange satin shirt. You end up sitting next to him on a couch and you share a conversation over cheap beer. He’s funny and clearly outgoing; he makes you laugh several times in the couple of minutes it takes your friends to round up their purses and coats. You’re on your

Tedious, mind-numbing (Howie)

2010-10-15T08:45:00.000-06:00

Hi,I was enjoying a day off strolling around downtown today, minding my own business when upon wandering into the old Barrio I was struck by a particular building. I hesitated. "Wait", I thought. "This place seems familiar". Then it struck me. Very large painting with a wounded heart motif. Small but feisty little dog. Large, stylish automobile. Joce!If the lack of dramatic artwork in my

Adam Getz wants to be friends on Facebook (Adam)

2010-10-13T23:10:00.001-06:00

And the toxic texter returns with new technology."I'm single now, so ironic what happened." Probably not.

Insignificance (Orrin)

2010-10-08T21:39:00.000-06:00

“You have a little bump on your lip and I can feel it when I kiss you, “ he says. You never noticed before and you look in the mirror and he points out a bump the size of a head of a pin. You feel it with your tongue. “Thanks for pointing out my insignificant little flaws,” you say. “Insignificant to you,” he retorts.

Your escaped canary (Nancy James)

2010-10-08T21:37:00.002-06:00

When I was in my mid-twenties I maintained a short-lived friendship with a former art teacher of mine named Nancy James. She was about 36, thin in a brittle way with an icy Nordic complexion and white blond hair. She had pale blue eyes that were often vacant and dreamy and hinted at a flimsy intellect and a rather flighty temperament. I once wrote a poem about her for my English class: “I see

One thousand forty four bad dates, who's counting? (Alan)

2010-01-17T13:07:00.000-07:00

The problem when you have a blog about bad dates is that everyone you haven’t dated thinks they can either set you up with your dream guy or that they are your dream guy and all it’s gonna take is one cup of coffee at a quaint café and love will blossom. For the record, even though you love a good rom-com, you know that real life isn’t anything like movies starring Amy Adams

Date with a side of fries (Tyree)

2010-01-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

Granted, it’s a weird set up to a date. He drops by your apartment with a mutual friend and your dog bites him on the ankle. It breaks the skin, barely, but when he comes down with flu like symptoms a week later, he goes to the doctor and mentions the bite. They are required to report it to animal control and animal control is required to follow up with you, and you’re

Opportunities for the aggressive (Justin)

2010-01-17T11:20:00.002-07:00

You’re with a gaggle of girlfriends and you’re dressed to the nines for a night on the town. You’ve had a couple of drinks so you’re feeling confident. The cold air in the parking garage makes you shiver, or is it the anticipation of the potential of the evening yet to come? You all clip clop into the elevator in your fashion shoes and one perfect red fingernail presses the up button. Midway

Truffle oil (Kendall)

2009-11-09T06:29:00.000-07:00

What, are we dancing the limbo? given you've set the bar so low with your Joce "Compatibility in Dating Quiz." Who on earth are you dating? Is it truly THAT bad? bear in mind, it's quite difficult for the Leo in me to not claim I'm better than the average Joe, Bob, or even Dylan (even though he's got such a "cool" name!!...**snicker **snicker)...mmm sorry, I just threw up in my mouth (-1pt for

Madonna-whore complex (Merrick)

2009-11-09T06:21:00.000-07:00

Note: my best friend Merrick is diving in the unfathomable dark depths of dating over thirty and recently got this email.i do appreciate the call and your apology about your behavior. but now, i really have to thank you for the head trip on top of everything else. so, you're "just not into it." that's great. thanks for pursuing me from the beginning, thanks for texting me while my ex was in town

La-Z-Boy (Bryce)

2009-10-13T21:20:00.000-06:00

He’s not exactly your type, but who is? He’s intriguing, for sure: former world champion power lifter (he’s got cinder blocks for thighs), speaks Japanese, has an impressive, professional job for someone his age. He takes time off work to volunteer in Haiti, donates money to every random cause, reads the New York Times. You rarely get to see him, since he’s a workaholic and

Update (Ken)

2009-10-13T14:11:00.001-06:00

My new score: 82. I saw your update about "Ken." Very interesting. After this, no more emails, texts, or anything in writing. Just verbal. See you tomorrow around 6.30 or so. Ken No more emails, texts, or anything in writing OR you could just never give me a reason to post anything about you again. Like, don't be a douchebag! See you tomorrow; looking forward to beating your pansy ass at

The "love" card (Edgar)

2009-10-13T12:52:00.000-06:00

Maybe you can explain why you decided to pull the "love" card now that we're on the outs. I mean, you didn't say it during the kiss on New Years, standing on the edge of Niagara Falls, or when we were celebrating Christmas, or any of the other obvious times. But, now, all of a sudden, you sign a card, All my love, Edgar? A week after we break up? It looks strategic, like somehow I will be

Sun in the fourth house (Mohammed)

2009-10-13T10:03:00.000-06:00

Chicken Nuggets,Please take your time to read these lovely lines...It seems like you are my dream girl:-)I loved it and I agree with it!MohammedSun in the Fourth House"...this position favors a relationship in which you settle down together and share each other's personal lives as intimately as possible..... This is one of the best positions for marriage..."Sun Conjunct Venus"The conjunction of

If you don't know who you love (Avery)

2009-09-29T18:27:00.001-06:00

My dearest,You are in my oxygen which sustains my existence, and to be without you for two weeks is certain death. So I present you this: If you have not broken off the relationship with Jackson by this coming Sunday evening at 11:00 p.m., I will consider our relationship to be naught. There will be no anger nor hatred, but mere neutrality. I can not live with you in any other situation, save

Postcard from Italy (Cooper)

2009-09-29T18:01:00.000-06:00

Hey,I'm in Florence. Had lunch at a place called Zsa-Zsa's today and wasreminded of you and your sisters.Wish you were here to explain all of this art stuff.C

Peace like a river (Orrin)

2009-09-29T17:10:00.000-06:00

Well Joce-I am busy it's that time of year and I don't have much free time to spend like before, similar to my bank account. In time I'll be around and things will be fine and we can all enjoy our time just like before. I bruised your ego and I apollogize, it was never my intention to do so. Find yourself a boyfriend and you'll forget about it. If you really look at it I'm not at all what you're

The NEW and far more ACCURATE Joce Compatibility in Dating Quiz

2009-09-20T12:26:00.001-06:00

Start with 100 points. Subtract 1 point for each of the following statements you believe accurately describes you.I am an only child or I only have brothers I live with roommates or my parents I am 10 years older or 10 years younger than Joce (Joce is 32) I have kids I am not employed or I only work part time I have been convicted of a crime or I should have been convicted of a crime but somehow

I like to just flow (Jackson)

2009-09-18T07:49:00.000-06:00

Dearest Joce,Well, if you've gotten this letter I'm out of town by now. Last nite, I know that I irritated you by flaking out, but I had to. I apologize deeply. There is a main thing in my life that allows me to not limit myself to one crowd of people. Now I don't know whether that makes me a flake or open minded, but when I'm doing something I like to just flow. That meant that I was just going

Horrable things (Clinton)

2009-09-18T07:45:00.000-06:00

I am truely sorry for the horrable things I have done these past few days. There is no way I can explain to you how much everything you have done for me has meant to me. When I broke the things you gave me, that displayd your fealings for me, a huge part of my heart was broken allong with them. If I had been in my right mind I never would of done those things, and there is noway I can express the

The wrong people (Malik)

2009-09-18T07:37:00.000-06:00

Your life may seem like shit to you but that may only be because you know you can do better. Yes, you can do better. Fairie Princess, you are one of the most talented and bright people I know. But I also understand that often one doesn't view themselves in real terms. If you look, you will find the right people. When you find the wrong people remember most of them don't count anyway.I'm really

You should have known better (Ken)

2009-09-17T16:38:00.001-06:00

Hi, Joce, My apology is long overdue. This message will probably be long and circuitous, disorganized and rambling, but I hope to explain perhaps a bit of what happened from my perspective, and probably why I am 31 and still single. Many of my exes have told me many different things over the years, but the one constant is what one referred to as “emotional stonewalling.” Essentially, when

You are vibrant color (Malik)

2009-09-13T13:52:00.000-06:00

M I had a dream about you the other night. PG/R rated. PG-13, I guess. J I can't believe you still have dreams about me. It's been 10 years! M Well, I think of you a lot, actually. I sometimes see things and think...WOW that is something Joce would like, or that is so Joce... I’m sentimental because the situation with my wife is fairly straight forward...she is boring...

K.I.S.S.I.N.G. (Nate)

2009-09-13T10:19:00.000-06:00

You know it’s coming. He’s going to kiss you! You met for a drink and took a walk in the rain. Now you’re back at his apartment, sitting on the couch, sharing a glass of wine. You’ve slipped off your still damp shoes and tucked your bare feet up, settling in to the over-softness of his canvas colored Pottery Barn couch (he actually has a couch! And it’s not from a thrift

Sensitive Artist (Miguel)

2009-09-12T14:24:00.000-06:00

The morning after our date...M Have you heard the song Sensitive Artist by King Missile?J No, why?M I think you'll relate to most if not all of it. Sensitive Artist by King MissileI am a sensitive artist.Nobody understands me because I am so deep.In my work I make allusions to books that nobody else has read,Music that nobody else has heard,And art that nobody else has seen.I can't help itBecause

Great quips (Cooper)

2009-09-11T19:09:00.000-06:00

"The dress you wore on our first date was a 'too much cleavage for a first date dress.'"I never knew there could be such a thing..."Wow, that's amazing. You've managed to keep them together, all these years."Upon noticing my matching bra and panties

Have a good life (Adam)

2009-09-11T16:57:00.000-06:00

Aug. 29 10:17 PMDon't even know if you get my stupid msgs anymore but "Coraline" the animated flick makes me think of you constantly. Such a great movie. Watchin it right now.Aug. 29 10:23 PMGuess it doesn't matter. I'm deleting your number so I don't bother you. Pls do the same if you aren't interested in me in anyway. Have a good life.Sept. 6 11:30 PMSup?

The two-year boomerang effect (Brian)

2009-09-10T11:19:00.000-06:00

7:24 a.m.B Just wanted to say I’m sorry.J What?! I really don’t care.B I know. I just wanted to apologize that is all.J After 2 plus years? Are you going through a 12 step or something?B Nice, no, just trying to apologize. I think there is always a purpose for sincerity regardless of time.J Well, I’ve never believed you to be sincere. I think you’re pathological. You are just a funny story I tell

The Joce Compatibility in Dating Quiz (You)

2009-09-08T22:33:00.000-06:00

Start with 100 points. Subtract 1 point for each of the following statements you believe accurately describes you. I am an only childI live with roommatesI live at home with my parentsI have been convicted of a crimeI am a vegetarianI am a veganI don’t drinkI don’t remember the last time I changed the sheets on my bedI have taken a

Pork belly seasoned with sage (Malik)

2009-09-07T20:57:00.000-06:00

Dear Joce,I wanted to share a recent journal entry with you... "One day you are going to wake up to find yourself old and lonely." Ten years on, Joce's words still haunt me. The power of words…they hurt more than punches to the gut and resonate more than a kick in the balls. I have an English wife and a French girlfriend. One for love and one for fun, I guess. One knows of the other, the other

Plan B (Matthew)

2009-09-07T15:56:00.000-06:00

Joce - It was nice having coffee with you. I think you're very attractive, but it seems you and I are really looking for different things at the end of the day. I'm going to school for architecture and really don't have time for real relationships. Even my time off sucks (summer school, work, etc.) Sorry. I’m mostly looking for no strings attached sex. Feel free to hold on to my info and file me

30 years at the discotheque (Jaromir)

2009-09-07T15:39:00.000-06:00

He’s from an eastern European country where, according to your father, “they don’t have a tradition of bathing.” You wonder about the truth of this statement; as he hugs you in greeting you are struck by his overwhelming body odor. You wonder if his shirt, a fitted polyester button down in a dizzying pattern of orange and brown paisley, has ever been washed; it carries the stench of 30 years of

Steady Freddy (Kyle)

2009-09-05T10:13:00.000-06:00

Enough with the brooding, artsy, depressive types! You take it to the other side of the spectrum: former military, degree in economics, government job, red Ford Bronco, apartment outfitted by Ashley Home Furnishings. Steady Freddy. He’s tall and handsome and gentle, but he’s a little boring, a little unsophisticated, and his sense of humor is a little tedious. Unlike the

The human condition (Jakob)

2009-09-04T17:55:00.000-06:00

He’s 38 years old (or 266 in dog years) and he looks every excruciating minute of it. He’s skeletal, but more than just physically – emotionally he’s nothing but a collection of dried bones. His eyes sit on the surface of his face like the eyes of a fish that you just caught with stinking bait in a remote, ice cold Hungarian lake. Desperate, anxious eyes sitting on a face,

He's cute, but diapers are a red flag (Mom)

2009-09-04T17:16:00.000-06:00

in response to this blog:Dear Joce,I read your dating blog, oh my oh my ... but I've been thinking J, you've got to find a way to access a different crowd, more cerebral, sophisticated men, who will appreciate you! In the way of dating and dieting I send you the enclosed article about colon cleansing. There is so much on the internet, I've been tempted. Love, Mom

Superman vs Clark Kent (Seth & Chris)

2009-08-29T18:30:00.000-06:00

Name: Seth Looks like: SupermanAge: 34Stats: 6 ft. 190 lbs. Sign: ScorpioEducation: Bachelors degree in Political ScienceEmployment: middle managementFamily: only child, parents deceasedHails from: SeattleCar: Toyota CamryLiving situation: lives alone, rents apartmentUniform: linen pants, sandalsThe attraction:Really smartReads extensivelyWorks out regularly (can pick you up and throw you on the

Rosary tattoo (Jorge)

2009-08-28T20:05:00.000-06:00

Points for best pick-up line to use on a girl over 30:"you musta had a fake I.D. to get in here."Points for being honest:"I mean, I'm almost done with my probation."Points for having the guts to ask for my phone number:"how 'bout my email address?"Points for sending an email with no text, just this picture of yourself.

Hard boiled (Cooper)

2009-08-28T19:04:00.000-06:00

And then one day, he’s sitting across from you at the coffee shop. He asks if you’d like to share a piece of cake and you say yes. You sit there and you chat and everything comes very easily and he tells you later that he wanted to kiss you, but he didn’t. Very quickly, like you do, you are completely bananas for this guy. He is smart and funny and looks like a matinee idol with his brooding eyes

Garden Variety Boys (Scott & Will)

2009-08-27T18:43:00.000-06:00

My two favorite responses (so far) to the launch of The Big Book of Bad Dates:Well, I am happy to go on a bad date with you :-)I am ok to take my chances when it comes to the fear of humiliation on your website!Say when (but please do allow time to be flown half way accross the world). *** YOU GOTTA GO ON A DATE WITH ME. PLEASE, PLEASE,PLEASE. It'd be your best blog entry yet. I swear. I can

All resolved now (Wayne)

2009-08-27T18:39:00.000-06:00

Hey stranger. How are you? I wasn't flaking on you. Spent a few nights in jail for a suspended license/old dui issue from Texas. All resolved now. In Houston now in fact. Headed home. Would like to see you.

Que sera (Troy)

2009-08-27T18:34:00.000-06:00

September 3Okay, Troy,Let me guess. As soon as you sent this email, your (ex)girlfriend called and you got back together. You decided to get married, adopt a baby from Africa and be happy forever. Either that or I'm just not interesting enough for a second date. Or you're actually a woman in a man's body and even though we might have a mind connection, you are afraid that I won't accept you in

Picky vs Discerning (Roger)

2009-08-27T18:28:00.000-06:00

Joce, haha yeah, different modes is a good way of putting it. But I appreciate people who are different than me and I think we could still have fun if we hung out, if you're up for it. I tried not to leave a bad 1st impression, but I almost always do. Most people like me more after the 2nd or 3rd time we hang out. I'm not quite sure why it's like that, but it is. Give me a call when you get a

I luv you (Adam)

2009-08-27T18:13:00.000-06:00

(Note: I never responded to any of these text messages)May 1 6:44 PMWhat r u up to this fine evening?May 2 1:15 AMAt Plush tonight. Wish you were here cuz this sucks.May 2 1:47 AMHello?!! You suck. And not in a good way.May 2 2:51 AMSorry. I’ll try to only contact you when I’m sober and its earlier in the day.May 25 11:17 PMHey you. I haven’t heard a word out of you in weeks. What’s up?May 29 9:

A blast, clearly (Pat)

2009-08-27T07:40:00.000-06:00

hola Joce. my phone has been out of charge for two days now. I'm about to give up looking for my charger, and just go buy ANOTHER one.sorry I havn't called you. we need to hang out again, that was a blastwill call you when I become not so cheap and go get a charger

I think I'm out of my mind (Marc)

2009-08-23T16:57:00.000-06:00

Hi Marc,Your emails are getting very intense – I wish you the best of luck with your prelims and in finding someone right for you.Best,JoceJoce -OR we could wait a while and meet sometime again in the future. We don’t have to commit to anything like dinner, if you like walking, come walk the dog with me. My adviser is out this week and I am sitting her house and dog. His name is Dingo. Her name

Ambien (Elwin)

2009-08-23T16:56:00.001-06:00

"i want to come visit. when can i come? what's your schedule like? i dont even know what you do now! what are we going to do? i don't likewaking up early inn the morninge,.crap the ambien is kicking in hardcore. brainpowerr is draining!lov ya! help your rnjou qshitmm,,.you vould

A long and enchanted life (Howie)

2009-08-23T16:46:00.000-06:00

Hi Joce,I was disappointed not to hear from you yesterday after you said you'd call me on Saturday concerning our plans for today. In fact, that's happened twice this week, because if you recall you said last Sunday that you'd call me this week after you had pondered things. You never did, although you did email me, which I felt was a bit of a cop out. So yesterday when considering these two